Understanding Attachment Styles in Neurodivergent Adults

How autism, ADHD, and other neurodivergences shape connection, communication, and emotional safety

When we talk about attachment styles, we’re referring to how people form emotional bonds and navigate closeness, trust, and vulnerability in relationships. These patterns — secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized — develop in childhood, but they continue to evolve across our lives. For neurodivergent adults, including autistic adults and those with ADHD, attachment styles can be shaped not just by early caregiving, but by how we’ve been supported, misunderstood, or pressured to mask our authentic selves.

What Does “Neurodivergent” Mean?

Neurodivergence describes differences in how people think, process information, communicate, and interact with the world. It includes autism, ADHD, dyslexia, sensory processing differences, and more. Autistic adults, in particular, may experience the world in ways that aren’t reflected in neurotypical relationship models — which can make attachment more complex.

Because social norms are built around neurotypical behaviors, autistic and other neurodivergent adults often face challenges in forming and maintaining relationships that feel emotionally safe and authentic.

Attachment Styles and the Neurodivergent Experience

Here’s how the most common attachment styles may present for autistic adults and others who are neurodivergent:

1. Secure Attachment

Autistic and ADHD adults can and do form secure attachments — especially when they’ve experienced consistent support, been accepted for who they are, and have had affirming relationships.

Secure attachment may look different for autistic individuals:

Using direct or alternative communication methods (e.g., text, written notes)
Seeking connection without craving constant contact
Feeling comfortable expressing needs, even if those needs differ from social norms

2. Anxious Attachment

This attachment style is marked by a fear of abandonment or rejection. For many autistic adults, especially those who’ve faced bullying, exclusion, or frequent misunderstanding, anxiety around relationships may be intensified.

You might notice:

Fear that others are annoyed or frustrated, especially after social interactions
Feeling like your needs or traits (e.g., sensory sensitivities, communication differences) make relationships harder
Constantly seeking reassurance while still feeling uncertain about where you stand

3. Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment can arise from years of being misunderstood, dismissed, or judged. Some autistic adults develop this style as a protective strategy — distancing themselves to avoid pain.

This might involve:

A strong need for solitude or control over interactions
Discomfort with emotional vulnerability or unstructured conversation
Pulling away from people, even while wanting connection

Note: This isn’t about being “cold.” It’s often about emotional survival in a world that has not made room for neurodivergent needs.

4. Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is often rooted in trauma and involves a confusing mix of approach and avoidance. For some autistic adults — especially those who have experienced invalidation or emotional harm — this attachment style may feel painfully familiar.

Signs include:

Difficulty knowing whether to move closer or pull away in relationships
Feeling unsafe in both closeness and distance
Confusion about your own needs and emotional reactions

The Role of Autism in Attachment

Autism itself doesn’t cause insecure attachment — but the experiences that often come with being autistic in a neurotypical world (social rejection, misattunement from caregivers, or pressure to mask) can shape how attachment develops.

For example:

Autistic adults may have had their needs chronically overlooked in early relationships.
An autistic child whose sensory overload was misinterpreted as “behavioral” may grow up feeling emotionally unsafe.
Autistic adults often report needing to mask their true selves, which can lead to disconnection from even the most well-meaning partners.

When these experiences are repeated over time, they can influence how secure or insecure our adult attachments feel — not because we’re broken, but because we adapted to survive.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes. Neurodivergent adults — including autistic individuals — can move toward more secure attachment. Healing relationships, self-understanding, and neurodivergence-affirming therapy all support this shift.

Whether it’s through trauma-informed therapy, learning to set boundaries, or practicing unmasking in safe spaces, change is possible.

Finding Support as a Neurodivergent Adult

You deserve relationships where your communication style, sensory needs, and way of connecting are honored — not pathologized.

At PeoplePsych, we work with autistic adults, ADHDers, and others who identify as neurodivergent to better understand how attachment shows up in their lives. Our goal is to create a space where you feel seen and supported as you build more secure and meaningful relationships.

If you’re ready to explore your attachment style, unmask in a safe setting, or simply feel more connected in your relationships, we’re here to help.

To connect with one of our therapists, please contact us at (312) 252-5252 or intake@peoplepsych.com to schedule a consultation with a therapist who understands neurodivergent experiences.